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Christmas Television 2006 12 December 2006

Posted by David in Uncategorized.
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There is currently nothing on television except the Royal Variety Performance, so I am very bored, along I guess with whatever poor member of the Royal family they dragged along to watch it this time. So with nothing to do, I thought I’d look ahead to Christmas 2006 on Television and in general.

Well, where do we start. Well, we’re already too late.Nigella’s been cooking up her dream Christmas dinner for weeks now (***), death/tragedy/doom has already struck Albert Square (** – this kind of plot wearing thin), and tinsel has started appearing on soap opera living rooms. But Christmas has yet to arrive, as the BBC has yet to launch its 2006 festive clip thingies they put between programmes (I think they call them idents).

They have however commissioned another episode of the Vicar of Dibley (*), so expect an occasional laugh (getting very rare now), some crude humour, a left-wing subplot, anti-Tory jibes, a few synthetic stereotypes, and no doubt some sickly ending. I just hope it’s not as sickly that white band make poverty history one where they all preached to us.

ITV will no doubt have produced something equally bad such as Christmas Lights (*) or its spin off, Northern Lights (*), both of which will I expect be repeated along with The Booze Cruise and its truly awful sequels.

Millions have been spent by the BBC on films which we have already seenor would have been screened by ITV anyway, such as Monsters Inc (**) and Pirates of the Caribbean (*****). I am guessing there will be another poor quality remake of A Christmas Carol, or a repeat, or both. The worst are the US versions and that modern one with Grant from Eastenders. The Muppet version with Michael Caine is still the best (*****).

As is customary, HRH The Queen will be on at 3pm for a quick chat, whilst someone wearing a burkhah will be on Channel 4. There will be a repeat of It’s A Wonderful Life (*****), The Great Escape (****) and White Christmas (for the over-80s only). There will be some Only Fools And Horses.

The new Doctor Who (*****) will be on, causing an embarrassing conversation by elderly relatives for those children of the 70s who hid behind sofas. ITV will attempt to wreck Doctor Who with a high profile film or programme at the same time.

Christmas will end as usual with everyone slightly drunk either attempting to work out what the ‘toy’ was in their cracker, badly solvinga Rubiks cube (which no one admits to buying), or giving well meaning but obvious ‘advice’ to someone who doesn’t want/need it.

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